i do?...... already?

Teen marriages in Kerala

Do you think that college going girls of the 18 or 19 are always hanging out with their friends, watching movies, giggling behind magazines and enjoying a carefree life? Then you're in for a rude shock because a lot of girls of this age are already carrying the weight of matrimony and associated responsibilities on their adolescent backs. the practice of getting girls married even before they turn 21 is so wide spread that it has become an acceptable phenomenon. And it is not restricted to a particular community or class or region alone. Even jean clad, Gen Y girls can be seen getting married in the first or second year of college.

The reasons for this phenomenon are many. Even though in Kerala feminist ideals are upheld and women's education is given much importance, the social and familial roles of a girl are still well defined as a wife and mother. Most families expect their daughters to find suitable matches as soon as possible so they can fulfill their societal obligations. In many families achieving a good education and career are considered less important than finding a suitable marriage proposal. Michelle, a 23 year old, now a Lecturer at a college in the city, says, “I’m dead against this practice and i think early marriages happen when the parents of the girls have orthodox mindsets and they consider their daughters a liability . In order to avoid the risk of them straying, they get their daughters married. " And all girls ,except the most determined, readily give in to parental pressure to marry early.

The legal marriagable age for girls in India at the moment is 18 (committees appointed by the govt are fighting hard to make it 16 and who knows, may be even 12 !). 18 is also the age at which a person has to concentrate most on her education and make life defining choices regarding a career. When a person gets married at this crucial stage,her priorities change vastly and there is a chance of education and career taking a backseat to raising a family. No matter how supportive the in -laws are, a lot of sacrifices would have to be made on both sides. Mohan Mangathussery, a management consultant and the father of a 19 year old strongly believes that girls should become more mature and financially independent before they tie the knot." What if the marriage falls apart? I would want my daughter to have something to fall back on in such a case", he says.

But there are others who feel education and marriage can go together. Yasmin, a 3rd year degree student who is expecting her first child says,"My marriage hasn't affected my studies in anyway .My family is extremely supportive and I'll definitely continue my studies".

There are other bigger problems associated with early marriages. Marriage is one of the biggest decisions in a girl's life. A girl of 18 or 19 is still a teenager and is going through all the confusions and difficulties an adolescent faces. At this age she is trying to figure out her own identity and what she wants to do with her life. A person at this age hasn't the maturity to take decisions on important matters like marriage. A marriage is a lifelong commitment and requires a lot of adjustments and understanding which a 19 year old might not have. Adjusting to a new family atmosphere and arranging your life around another person is not child's play.

There are also those who wish to marry at 18 or 19 for the sake of love. These are the girls who, with or without parental consent, get married to the 'man of their dreams' without fully realizing what they are getting into. Most girls confuse real life with movie style matrimonial bliss and jump into such marriages without giving it much thought. Some expect their partners to make their life 'complete' and worth living. This might lead to terrible disillusionments later in life. It is important to complete oneself first and to then find someone else to share it all with.

And if you feel that you've really found 'the one' for you quite early in life, wait a few years before saying 'I do' . If he is the right one, a few years won't make any difference. But if he's not, it will make all the difference in the world. Remember that a person can change as they mature - what seems perfect now may not look that way after a few years.

Dr.Latha Nair,a lecturer who got engaged at 17 , married at 19 and still went on to get a PhD and even a degree a from Cambridge, might seem like the perfect example that everything is fine with early marriages. But she firmly says “I’d never, ever, advice anyone to get married at that age. I was lucky enough to get a great husband and family, but I still had to go through a lot of hardships to get to where I am today - I had to make countless sacrifices. I've seen many students too getting married at a young age. Most of them could've done so much better academically if they hadn't married. I think that the ideal age to get married is after 23".Now that’s good advice from someone who really knows what she’s talking about.

So what do guys think of getting married to 10 somethings?. Bibin K V, a software professional from Cochin says, " I would rather my wife was educated and working than sitting at home idle."

So, all of you girls out there, think before you leap and say “no” when you need to. Take it slow, do all that you want to do and learn as you grow. Get all the wisdom you can get before you start your happily ever after. Until you get your own footing in this wild world, marriage can wait.

contributed by nandini m thilak, nidhi surendranath